Hit the Reset Button

Let’s dive into the psychology behind how to practically reset the areas of our life that need it most, and why it’s okay to begin again.

Is it time to hit the reset button? Start by asking, “How am I doing?”

If this seems like an impossible question to answer right now, you’re not alone. We live in a world that requires a lot from us physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially and sometimes it can feel impossible to catch up. Meeting our own needs can feel overwhelming, let alone reaching our goals. When it seems like the world is spinning a thousand miles per hour (fun fact: it is.) and we’re feeling overwhelmed by even the simplest of daily tasks, how can we hit the reset button?

You’re Not Alone.

First thing’s first, it’s helpful to understand that these feelings of overwhelm aren't coming out of the blue. According to the latest research by the American Psychological Association, the unique and ever-evolving stressors of our world have put our brains in “constant risk assessment” mode.

Between the pandemic, global conflicts, economic uncertainty, workplace changes, modified schedules, and new demands on parents, one third of adults are currently experiencing levels of stress that make it hard to navigate even the most basic daily decisions, like what to have for lunch. This is especially true for younger adults (Millennial and Gen Z), parents, and people of color.

Our brains are literally working harder, drawing on our mental resources for decision making, willpower, and self-control. This brain drain makes it much harder to sleep, to focus, and to meet our goals. The good news is that understanding the reality of this shared stress enables us to gain insight and find ways to reset and relax from a place of understanding and self-compassion.

Notice Your Expectations.

What’s that’ goal that’s fallen off? That idea you haven’t acted on? That thing you keep saying you want to finish? Our minds are constantly filled with expectations for what we should be doing. Sometimes these expectations reflect things we genuinely want, and sometimes they come from outside ourselves (think social media, clients, dependents, even friends).

No matter where these expectations come from, when we don't hit them, the shame and stress kicks in. We often jump right to self-criticism. We even actively avoid self-kindness because we often fear that if we accept ourselves as we are, we’ll never get to where we’re supposed to be.

Interestingly, the research shows that when we treat ourselves with kindness, we are actually more likely to course-correct and re-engage with our goals, because we become re-motivated by the belief we can change.

Self criticism, on the other hand, causes our brain to double down on stress, which leads to procrastination and overthinking.

Hit the Reset.

No matter what you want to reset (finances, your sleep schedule, a relationship, or your feelings towards work), self-kindness is one of the most powerful tricks for beginning again. Research suggests that by simply looking at our circumstances with self-kindness, we signal to our brains that change is possible.

This motivates us to move forward which, in turn, fosters resilience and self-confidence. Here are a few practical examples of how to look at common stressors through the lens of self compassion, as well as an activity for how to take a self-compassionate reset approach to any area of your life.

Highlight Reel

“No matter what you want to reset, self-kindness is one of the most powerful tricsk for beginning again.”

Reset Your Sleep

Have you been tossing and turning lately? Yep. Stress and poor sleep go hand in hand. While we all know the negative consequences of a poor night’s rest, how do we take a compassionate approach to help ourselves improve sleep quality?

Don't Obsess Over the Consequences

If you’re doing your best to get a good night's rest and it’s simply not happening, acceptance can be an effective tactic. In fact, accepting that you’re not sleeping, acknowledging that sleeplessness is a common symptom of stress, and comforting yourself that you’ll be okay in the morning can actually make it easier for us to fall back asleep.

Accept Rest Instead of Sleep

Research shows that simply laying down and paying attention to your breath can calm your nervous system, and even improve short-term cognitive performance similarly to sleep.

Do Something Relaxing

Research shows that instead of forcing yourself to stay in bed when you’re tossing, it can be helpful to get up and do something relaxing. Make a cup of tea, cozy up on the couch with a blanket, read a book, listen to relaxing music, or journal. It can be helpful to avoid scrolling on our phones when attempting to wind down, as the exposure to blue light signals to our bodies to stay awake.

Reset Your Goals

Achieving goals is always a journey. When our bodies and minds are dealing with heightened demands of stress, it can feel like they’re veering us off track, especially when those goals require willpower, new ways of thinking, and new habits. Here are some tips for setting your goals through the lens of self-kindness:

Consider the Full Picture

Try this simple exercise. Write down the things in your life that are causing you stress, but write them in the third person (“He/She/They are dealing with…” vs. “I am dealing with…”. Then write down all the things you’re also trying to accomplish, again in the third person. By writing things down in this way, it can help us to see our situation more objectively and notice where we have some extra room for self-compassion.

Focus on How You Feel

Have you ever felt like you should be able to reach a goal (intellectually, physically, etc.), but you just don’t feel like you can (or even that you want to when it comes down to it)? Research suggests that while goal setting can improve cognitive performance, when we set our goals without concern for how they will make us feel emotionally, they can actually add to our stress.

Think of Goals as Enhancements

Often, we think of goals as achieving things that will drastically change our lives, but the stress of reaching large, looming goals can actually make it harder to impact change. Instead, consider focusing your attention on how you can enhance your current, daily routine. Are there simple ways you can practice changing your self-talk, sleep habits, time spent on hobbies, or relationships?

Reset Your Self Talk

How we feel has a direct impact on how we talk to ourselves in our heads, and vice versa! If you’ve been feeling very self-critical recently, you know how much of a spiral this can become. We feel bad, so we struggle, so we’re hard on ourselves, so we feel bad, repeat… What are some practical tools for resetting our self-talk?

Practice Mindfulness

The next time you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or upset, take a moment to breathe (which helps our brains focus), and listen to the thoughts bouncing around in your head. If you can, even write them down. Noticing our self-talk is the first step. Then remember, being hard on ourselves for being hard on ourselves doesn’t break the spiral! Consider looking at the thoughts you’re having as though your friend was sharing them with you - what would you say to them?

Get Moving

It can be hard to think our way out of negative self-talk. The good news is that we don’t have to figure out our negative thoughts in order to change them. Research suggests that regular exercise can help reduce stress enough to actually shift the intensity of our negative self-talk, and give us a much-needed break.

Let it Be

Especially when our stress is causing us discomfort, we can start to spend a lot of time trying to fix it. Sometimes, the thing we need most is permission to stop fighting ourselves and simply to accept that our thoughts are going to do what they want sometimes.

Reset Your Finances

No matter what your current financial situation is, finances are a key source of stress for many of us! According to research, about 73% of American rate financial stress as their top contributor of stress. So how can we approach our finances with self-compassion to give ourselves a much needed reset?

Start with an Emergency Fund

One way to help relieve stress is to have a plan for what to do if something goes wrong. Take an hour to identify the minimum amount of money you’d need for essential expenses for 3-months (rent, food, bills, commuting, etc.). If you have the ability to top-up your emergency fund, this is a great time to do that. If you don’t have that flexibility in the budget yet, take the time to get clear about what that would take, or what your options would be in case of emergency.

Do a Subscription Audit

Do you really need Netflix, Hulu, Prime, and Disney+? Well… maybe. But doing an audit of all your subscriptions can be a great way to cut down on unnecessary expenses and start saving (maybe for that emergency fund!). Apps like Truebill can be a great tool here.

Explore Your Employee Benefits

For many of us, we don’t get everything we can out of our employee benefits. Take some time to review your benefits options at work. From advice on retirement savings to complimentary nutritionist meetings through health insurance, there are often hidden savings we can find in our existing employee benefits plans.